#8: “I want to start a tumblr where it’s just pictures of people holding mics in music videos next to a picture of the end of the mic cable, plugged into nothing, sitting on the middle of the floor like a tiny carpet no one wants to acknowledge the absurdity of.”

#7: “That tub scene might be the most taboo, but that’s because up until this point Joe could only be seen by eleven to thirteen year-olds.”

#6: “When I think about a post-guilty-pleasure universe, I see two guys coiffed like Kirk Hammett dressing as Kesha for Halloween singing Aqua covers while pretending to masturbate and calling it a ‘dance.’”

#5: “Fergie paid Josh Duhamel to pay Michael Bay to pay four writers who paid six re-writers to create giant transforming robots to destroy and bury the old BEP in center of the earth.”

#4: “The “Coming Home” video strangely predicts Osama Bin Laden’s assassination, as Diddy flies over the cracked, empty desert of his own making in a copter that looks both expensive and stealth-modified.”

#3: “What about the song? If I were driving my friends around and this song started rattling the trunk of my beige-grey 2000 Camry, there would be no dialogue about the music beyond ‘sick beat, though.’”

#2: “Kind of yacht rock without the mustaches or the small luxury vessels.”

#1: “Meanwhile, Gaga is in the kitchen, a phrase I hope to use more often.”